|My new revamped Misty cosplay~|
Not that anybody reads these but I thought I would update since my last journal is a little dated~
--- We wrapped on the film! I cant begin to say how thankful I am to have worked at one of my dream companies for 7 weeks, and this soon in my career. It was a gift and honor and I learned so much and really fell further in love with stop motion. I met so many talented and inspiring people and I'm ready challenge myself further. I will never get over the fact that I have worked on two feature films in less than 6 months. Its insane, since I thought I was sooo behind and not involved in my career field. Guess I was wrong and surprises are awesome. I got a cool badge from the set that says I was on the animation crew and I have so many AMAZING CONTACTS from set, ugh I just can't. It was a dream come true. I can't wait to see the film in theaters and be able to point out all the scenes I did something in or helped make. (although I am glad to now only have one job and 6 classes, instead of 2 jobs. A lot of stress was lifted off my back haha)
---Another job update: This morning in fact, I just got news I got my summer internship! SO I won't be unemployed doing nothing. Granted its not paid, but I'll get college credit, which should count for something maybe? hahah idk. But ya so I'll be a Costume Intern on the late night talk show Conan (one of my favorite fuckin shows) so I'm REALLY REALLY EXCITED. <3 I interviewed with them last summer but they were full so they said I could have it summer 2014 and they confirmed this morning I'm on (didnt even have to reinterview, wooooo). So thats my summer so far. Feels sooo good to have an internship now, especially when my mom LITERALLY NAGGED/COMPLAINED AT ME for four hours straight over break about how I wasnt doing anything and was fucking up but not getting an internship and whatnot (even though I have been looking for one/working on a feature film since January, UGH she bothers me a lot, but sucks to suck cause I HAVE ONE NOW. WHUT!).
---Health: Unlike my professional/school career my health is doing a lot worse. :/ I stopped going to my counselor cause I dont have time for that and the money, but i still see my nutritionist. Unfortantely, yesterday I weighed myself and Im a little below 120, which is pretty pretty bad, since my goal weight and average weight range for my height is like 140...Oops. Im not trying to lose weight, its just programmed into my brain now. The days have been harder cause Im eating more to let my body feel better, but when I do I sometimes cant stop and then the next day I feel like I need to make up for the eating and restrict more. I have more health problems than I can count on my fingers, which is bad, and things did not even get better when I went home for break. Literally, my mom treats me weirdly now that she knows and everytime I go back to Seattle it gets worse and worse. I think this time was the last straw (i dont think I'll go back). She is just so triggering with the things we says, "Eat, eat, eat" before every meal, "Do you even go above 1000 cal a day?", "you look too thin", "no guy is gonna like somebody this thin", "your gonna run out of sizes in clothes if you lose more", "you better not be trying to lose more", the list goes on and on. Its all sooo triggering. I'm not trying to on purpose, i'm dealing with a lot on my plate. I think the worst part of this break was that she found out about my tattoo (partly because my clothes at home dont fit me so baggy pj pants did not stay up as well as i thought and idk i like being comfy and myself at home and i show skin, its just i do, and it just happened I guess). She didnt freak out loudly or angrily but went the route of pushing me into the ground soooo hard. "Your disappointing", "they are filthy", "why did you put a video game character in YOUR SKIN", "i cant believe you put needles INTO YOUR SKIN", she just kept repeating the skin thing and ugh it was awful. She went on for 2 hours and was so upset. Then she said the reason why I got it is, is cause I am mentally unbalanced and made a rash unnecessary decision because of my ED. SHE CONNECTS EVERYTHING TO THAT. Then the next morning she says she is sad about my tattoo and my ED. Way to just make me feel like shit. So I ended up binging and stressing and being panicked, and then the next day I basically had the equivalent of like 2 meals and worked out really hard. It was awful, all my ED stuff started at home and every time i go back it gets reawakened. To top it off, last night when Im back in LA she sends a really really long email explaining the whole thing about how I am disappointment and how she is heartbroken and sick that I did it. How is that supposed to make me feel? Well it made me feel awful cause I hate it when people are disappointed in me, or mad at me, or think ill of me. My number one goal in life has been to impress/make everyone fine with me and now I'm just losing that and its so bad. WHY DOES EVERYTHING BOIL DOWN TO MY ED? They aren't connected! Its like its ruining every aspect of my life that it isn't even connected too, ugh….okay rant over. Hopefully the nutritionist on thursday won't get too miffed at me about losing a couple more pounds, I'm not trying too, its just….i don't even know anymore man
---Guys are stupid. There has been one guy (a pledge in my frat) who entered my life recently and now has decided to confuse me BEYOND hope and its hurting me a lot. I should have seen this coming since the first time we actually hung over/saw each other we were drunk at a party and hooked up :/ But he didn't follow one night stand rules! He stayed the whole afternoon afterwards, asked for my number, has texted me EVERYDAY (usually really late at night) since then (its been like 3-4 weeks), we hang out sometimes, we hooked up another time as well, and Im sorry if Im reading him wrong but I took those as signs that he liked me. Guess I was wrong. Ive drunkenly confronted him about this twice, whether he likes me or not, but i get weird vague answers like "I like you, but I'm meeting so many new people…". WHICH IS FINE, I understand the rejection. BUT, you can't tell me that quote while you are kissing/hugging me and trying to prevent me from walking away. He is the king of mix messages and its hurting me. I don't even know whats going or what he thinks. Its like if you like me enough to do all the things I listed above, WHY DONT YOU LIKE ME ENOUGH TO BE HONEST WITH ME? I like him so much and I just wanted to casually date him, but he is so social able and flirty with other girls (which yes makes me jealous and panic like girls do, cause I like him). I really shouldn't though, I need to forget about him, cause I think I am poisoning myself. I don't wanna give myself false hope, AT ALL, that would be the worse, but its hard when I see him all the time cause of the frat. And its hard cause I see the girls he is always around (granted they are other pledges so that makes sense why he is always around them) and it makes me not wanna be around them either, which isn't right of me. Im just so confused and conflicted by him. That and on the night I confronted him about liking me, HE (not me) brought up the anorexia thing. I don't like telling people I am romantically interested in about it all cause its not normal and scares people off, but he just like knew and it got brought up. Maybe thats why things changed or thats why he decided not to go further idk…Honestly guys I thought he was gonna ask me. For the first time, I thought somebody was gonna ask me out. But maybe I was too impatient in bringing up whether he liked me or not. It was all me. I just wish…I just wish I knew. Im a person who likes communication and knowing and I guess thats not something I can get and it ruins things. once again my ED controls everything and ruins everything. Now I don't know what to do, cause another guy doesn't like what I have to offer so what more can I change? Obviously not the weight, but maybe it is the weight? Gosh I wish I was normal. RANT OVER
---NEW ART: YES THERE IS NEW ART! now that my job is done I currently have SO MUCH OPEN TIME. I am painting, crafting, filming, animating, all is good. I have two paintings in the works, a comic series (hopefully), a couple storyboards, and prop replicas~. Not to mention I am working on my own short stop motion film (all with playdoh ) its gonna be rad so I hope to updating you guys on that soon! PLUS COSPLAY! Omg I have gotten soooo back into cosplay and its amazing. I don't have to hide my geekiness around my college friends anymore, they actually like love it hahah so my roommate and I will be doing many more photoshoots (like the Fiona one) soon! I got two girls characters to do and a male one, so be excited cause I REALLY AM. Working on my dream cosplay right now though so thats awesome and getting really close to being done (like WOW). Haven't thought about cons yet (sooo expensive), tried to get comic con tickets (still working on that) but we shall see. Right now I just like doing cosplay on my own time BUT YES, MORE ART.
So ya thats my SUPER SUPER SUPER LONG UPDATE of basically my semester so far. I can't believe there are only 6 more weeks left of school and then I'll technically be a junior in college. Thats insane and I don't want it to END D: D: So cheers to more free time for art, VIDEOGAMING (ugh so behind), and hanging out with people. Also to GETTING HEALTHY and just meeting more people. Gotta keep my mind active so I don't fall further ya know. Some people in my life are awesomeeeee and helping me so much and I just love them passionately, but others are just hitting me down (some don't even know they are doing it too :/). Its weird Im doing so well in some areas of my life, but HORRIBLY in others. I think lots of people are like that though, maybe. I really need to learn how TO RELAX and balance out, and really soon, my body and mind need it or bad things are gonna happen. :/
WHAT ARE YOU UP, PEOPLE.