THIS WILL BE WAY TOO LONG. SORRY.
So I realized the other day that I've kinda been absent from DA. I mean for good reason, since I have been side-smacked by school, medical stuff, BAND, and just a ton of other stuff. But I do check this site often, go through deviations and tons of other stuff, so sorry I haven't been commenting or writing on stuff.
Currently in my art world, I need to pick up the fuckin pace. Im going to apply soon for the animation minor at USC and my portfolio hasn't really changed at all from last year. Which isnt necessarily a bad thing, cause i didn't apply for the minor last year so its not like they have seen it before and regretted me, but its really discouraging to me to know that I have gotten worse or stayed the same skill level over the last year. Everybody was already ahead of me in skill, drive, and talent, and now I have made the gap even bigger. GAH this saddens me so much. I'm gonna try and step it up though. I need to. Its not even a want. After deciding on all my majors and minors, it was releaving, but now Im scared because I dont know how to do any of the things I want to do. I feel like a fuck up and am scared to work on anything.
Things I'm working on...
-a game project with a housemate (SOOO EXCITED AND TERRIFIED FOR THIS. He asked if I wanted to make a game with him and I was like FUCK YES. So i wrote out a story, gameplay, and stuff but now I need to do art for a game, which i dont know how to do and I know I don't have enough skill to do that, but thats what I want to do with my life....How can someone know what they want to do, but then have NO IDEA HOW TO DO IT?! I was so excited when he asked me cause NOBODY, NOBODY at USC asks me to work on things, but now Im seeing why I shouldnt...I dont just dont know how to do anything...)
-storyboard for an animated short of a children's series I liked long ago
-Rainbow Road painting
-Housemate Christmas gifts
so I have things to do, I just need to motivate myself to do them. I think my problem with motivating myself or concentrating on my work is due to my social life problems. (YEP u knew it was coming. Here is my update on my shit you dont care about)
So Im on the road to recovery for my eating disorder that I got diagnosed with a month-ish ago. Its been a little hectic with band, school, and the doctors appointments but I'm managing as best as I can.
Basically what happened was once I got to USC I couldn't stop with the weightloss, I was still obsessed, trying to get guys to like me, to feel better about myself, to be as thin as I could be. Over the summer I lost 35lbs, but upon being at USC I lost another 10lbs. This happened because I couldn't get a guy to even flirt with me. It was hard, still is hard (cause i still can't get a guy to do that). I mean I had some people interested and OF COURSE people noticed how much weight I lost. And my hair being longer and blonde…But nobody was attracted to me and this sent me downhill to lose more and more weight. Cause thats how I thought I would win somebody over.
I still live with the fear of gaining weight. That is why I have a nutritionist and counselor. Things sway from good and bad, but I think overall Im doing better. My main areas of problems are comparing myself to girls constantly and not being able to concentrate on anything besides when my next meal is and stuff like that (like I explained above). These are things Im working on with my counselor, but I still don't understand why nobody wants to be with me or go on a date with me, or like anything. I've had a few make out sess's, but nobody at parties looks at me or flirts, like the girls in my house get or girls at USC get. One guy already kinda messed me up by making out me, I liked him from last year and was so ready to do more with him. But then he was ignored me ever since. Don't know what I did wrong, but yaaaaaaa that wasn't fun. I don't know, I'm starting to see that maybe I don't belong in that world. The world of parties, hookups, and all that, I don't belong there.
I recently hooked up with someone a couple weeks. Once drunk and once sober. I've been contemplating for a while if I like him or not, there are pros and cons. The one thing that really helped me though, is he kinda figured out about my food problems and told me the night we walked home drunk together, that i didn't need to starve myself and that from a straight guy's perspective I was hot and was hot last year. I've never had a guy tell me that before, it was like the reward I had wanted along I guess.
Sometimes I'm sooo lonely and desperate but then I guess I'm sooo picky and whatnot. I get influenced by what everyone else is doing, I just want to be calm and with someone. And I guess from hooking up with his guy I saw that maybe thats what I want. Relationships aren't as bad as I thought they were. But…I can't do anything with his guy, because their is a rule against it. We live in a house together and we have to keep it secret that we even hooked up in general. Which I understand, but now I've seen that I like him…I told him after the second time we hooked up that I did like him at one point last year and he said he did too (he doesn't talk a lot though about his feelings…). And then we had an awkward run in on the band trip last weekend, where we all were partying in a hotel, and I drunkely texted him. I guess i did it out of loneliness and being with another one of my girl house mates who hooks up with literally everyone. She makes it look so easy and I guess thats what influences me. Maybe I wouldn't think about any of this stuff if I wasn't around these types of people? But thats not fair, cause they are my friends, so Idk what to do.
Anyways he responded with a little bit of a lengthy text, about how hooking isn't everything and he was busy hanging out with his band section…Which I understood, but the comment about hooking up isn't everything kinda hurt. It made me feel like he thought I was trying to be like my housemate, hooking up with anyone or whatever. Like a slut or something. But no, I mean its a mix. I want to like kiss him obviously and be with him like the last two times but I want to get to know him and hang out with him too. Its so weird. I know he doesn't like me anymore…so that hurts and makes me wanna relapse again, cause….but…idk what i did wrong. I know its partly the rule that we can't like each other since we live together…but…idk what are these feelings?
Idk what to do. And then there is this other guy who has been into me for a while and I keep trying to friend zone him, but I feel that since my housemate doesn't like me anymore this is only person who will ever show interest in me. But everything is so weird. Its all about food, exercise, calories, guys, attraction, rules, fear, everything. How am I supposed to work this out?
So Im just gonna try and do school, art, and band. And hopefully not gain weight. And just be lonely, cause I'm good at that hahah. Keep going to all the doctors and try to find out what happiness is. How to be happy. Yup yup.
Whats been new with you guys?